Sunday, December 26, 2004

"Cries the Conductor to Collect the Cash"

Today, I feel, is a day of great importance. Why? Coz I, today, for the very first time in the history of mankind's tryst with that strange species called the Bus Conductor, am going to open to u what I learnt with THREE years of hardwork and my dynamic wit!! ( Phew, that was long! )


First the introduction : There are TO (oops, I mean TWO) types of buses in Delhi :
1) the Delhi Transport Corporation
2) the Private Buses

And its the Private Buses that are the Focal Point of this discussion.

So what's so great about them?


He is the one who RUNS the Bus(iness).

And I, in these last three yrs, have learnt a thing or two about them.

First of all, they have the MAXIMUM number of GirlFriends in the city !!
Ya, however much u may gasp about that, its TRUE !!

Two, if u ever find a conductor WITHOUT a mobile phone, do check if the sun arose from the West that day!!

Three, DON'T MESS WITH THEM ! Some of them have started keeping a rod (hell ya, a ROD!) under there seats these days. And dare to believe me not, I have seen that rod hit a few legs n butts in the past yr!

Still, there are some "innocent" ways to evade this fiery monster, the Conductor! I call them TRICKS, and believe me, I've saved a lot of money (and suffered some tongue slashes too) while learning these tricks. So I am today providing u the finished product that can be easily used by anyone. But always remember one thing, HE (the conductor) is the rightful owner of the money that u r trying to evad from him, so always have respect about that man in ur heart!

TRICK 1 - "The RedLight Glitch"
Suppose u r on a Red Light and there's a bus standing that u wanna board. Now look not towards the bus but just walk from near it VERY matter-of-factly. Do NOT walk TOWARDS the bus. And very importantly, EVADE eye contact with the conductor (he will be definitely looking at you!) because he might remember ur face if he sees u directly in the eye. Then just as u r past the conductor's window, climb up the back stairs very softly and very unassumingly. Now this is the difficult thing (and requires practice), very smoothly mix up in the backside crowd while the conductor is still looking outa the window or maybe talking to someone. Stand away from conductor's view and keep looking out of some window, or u can just stare at something as if u've been staring at it since ages past! Keep in this posture for 1 min.approx and if he still doesn't call u for the ticket, then BINGO !! U r free !! Rest assured u can now wander around anywhere in the bus, its all yours !

TRICK 2 - "The CollegeGuy Glitch"
If u look like a college guy, then act like one in a bus! coz it pays!! Buswallahs and collegewallahs r like langotiya dushmans, and not just in Delhi but almost EVERYWHERE in India! Rajasthan to Haryana to Punjab, and LEAST of all in Delhi, college guys are the biggest Ticket-Evaders! So wear that attitude and board the bus VERY confidently, without much expressions on ur face. Stand somewhere very unassumingly and just don't look towards the conductor, but very importantly, DO NOT look like u'r trying to HIDE from him! And then the moment, he'll come to u n ask for ticket. That's the time all the self-congratulatory confidence will come in use at! All u've to do now is to just make an 'ishara', ki abhi utar jaoonga! Just try to be polite in ur expressions while saying this, coz that politeness impresses some of the young ones and most of the oldies! So wear cofidence and politeness together on ur face, and go for the action!

TRICK 3 - "The Majboor Act"
Now here's something to use (rather misuse) a conductor's heart and humanness. You get on a bus, stand somewhere near the conductor, and when he asks u for the ticket, start searching for money in ur bag. Now u r frantically searching for money in all the corners of ur handheld bag and ur face carries an expression like you ARE willing to pay for ur ticket at any cost! So the conductor, alright not all, but some of them DO start feeling sorry for u!! And he just might possibly let u without a ticket! (However much u may not believe that but I, for one, HAVE TRIED it, and successfully!). Please note that it helps if u have a MESSY bag!

So people, go on try out these tricks n save money for spending on a date rather than giving away 2 the BAD BAD conductor!

Wait for more from me on 'Transport Services in Delhi' in future!

No comments:

Post a Comment