What disturbs you, annoys you, makes you worried, happy, exuberant, mellow, yellow, makes you want to dance, die, cry, lie put, run, walk, stay in bed, pick up the phone, or fills you, thrills you, almost kills you, becomes the life in you, the dead in you, the sleepy you, the broken you, the shaken, the brittle, the angry, the loving, the crazy, the pointless, the bored, the sleazy, the lovely, the beautiful you, the ugly inside, the ugly outside, the unperturbed, the wishes fulfilled and the ones that were not, the dreams never remembered, the fears never acknowledged, the irrationality you tried to explain all your life, the empty, the smoky, the whatever that made you look up, turn away, put your head back down in cracking silence and explosive composure, made you want it, wish it, made you not care anymore, and struck you again as something that used to matter, or that it still does and how you wish it wouldn't, and that which never was said, which you never understood just forgot, or not, whatever which made you choose what you did, whatever you loathe in hindsight, or are proud of but no one else can know, and also that which is known, and that which should have happened, and that which shouldn't, and the gaps that formed and moments, long and small, unending and fleeting, and them that were just the right size. All of them. All of that. All of that which was. All of it and everything else. Finally. From a far enough vantage point, From an open enough mind. Finally, it was all fun. And will always be. How can it not, how can it be anything else at all. Fun it has to be and will. Just fun. Just fun..

Hit me

i don't sleep but lie down forever
in my death and unmoving pools of red
what difference does it make tell me
to sleep or die or live-on on bread

nothing to me are you or whoever
when nothing to me am i myself i said
i don't remember and i don't remember
and i don't ever get down from my bed

i need you to come for me alone
and kiss me in that sleep i dread
make me flush and blush o' tender
make beat faster my heart of lead

i know there is life outside and away
out of this dark and haunted shed
out of this bubble of infinity, my trap
right outside, just the width of a thread

i have no dreams to wake up from
and awake a dream i never have had
give me a dream or give me a will
give me curiosity, iron-clad

get to me and pour into my brain
make me dizzy and wake me from dead
i'm all empty, come fill me inside
get me high, give a kick to my head

(Part 5/5) The Best Days Of My Afterlife

(Part 1/5) The Day I Died
(Part 2/5) The Day Of The Sermon
(Part 3/5) The Day I Sat Down And Wrote This
(Part 4/5) The Day God Had A Plan

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Dated: The Day I Got Frustrated With Death, The Universe and Everything


Now, God is a huge being. Its been what, some countless years since he stood on that stage and told us newly deads about the infinities of boredom and pointlessness. He was growing, atleast physically. Infact, He was now too big for anybody, or any combination of them thereof, to lift up or transport anymore. All He did, hence, was sit in seclusion, working and toiling away at his "salvation apparatus" in secret.

It was curious. Everything and everybody in all of heaven was curious. About the Apparatus. About what God was upto suddenly after millennia of sitting around being a beacon of optimism, reverse pessimism to be precise, to all of dead ones. But God did not let a sigh out of his mouth that would betray his intentions. There was no blueprint, no written plan or specification that he was working with, and no rest either. But still, at the end of it, in their heart of hearts, people knew one thing. There was one thing they held on to their chests with tight clenched fists. The knowledge that there was no escape. That however what may happen, you can't die again, and while you exist, you'll always have to think about and somehow spend the next moment, ad infinitum.

Years passed, and a violent sound struck the air one day. Continued churning of something heavy and clunky. I shut my ears with my hands but the sounds only increased. The bee broke its motionlessness. The elephant sighed. And then the elephant sighed again. A crowd formed and walked towards the sound, I joined them. The printer got excited and behaved like a TV news reporter, and gurgled out garbage. There were murmurs flying back and forth, against the background of the clanks and clatter from the direction of the sound.

A gasp escaped the open mouths of all except God and the printer. For God it was, that Great Gargantuan Tortoise, the Massive Titanic Turtle, who was up there standing at a slant on His hind-legs and about to be toppled by the machine, the Salvation Apparatus that He built himself! A silence ensued when God moved, through the air, in slow motion, with dumbfounded eyes watching, and racing hearts and motionless tongues, through the silent unsaid gasp that hung in the air, and toppled. He toppled. And rocked.

On that semicircular, hard shell of His, smooth like Motion itself, God slept rocking like a baby on its swing, peaceful and idle. Smiling imperceptibly. Sleeping. Cocooned in the comfort, that nothing could change now. There would not be another decision to make. No options to choose from. For once and for final, he was really free from thinking. Nothing can matter anymore. For nothing can bring him back on his feet, nothing can undo this final surrender. Complete bondage, captivity that can never be undid, brought him his freedom. Salvation.

And I stood watching. Mesmerized. Wishing with all my being. Wishing with every bit of my whole being, that I were a Turtle too. The best days of my afterlife were over.

(Part 4/5) The Best Days Of My Afterlife

(Part 1/5) The Day I Died
(Part 2/5) The Day Of The Sermon
(Part 3/5) The Day I Sat Down And Wrote This

____________________________________

Dated: The Day God Had A Plan


I soon graduated to better things to do. I would turn a tap on and wait for the water to finish so there would be no water left and all heaven would break loose. I would wait for endless units of time with an evil grin on my curled lips but something even more exciting would usually catch my attention and I would leave, the tap on. My sheep count was now a 13 digit prime number, but I liked the number so much that I stopped counting further. I had already made brilliantly detailed graffiti on all the walls behind the secretive hidden doors all about the place. It was mostly reproductive organs. The depressingly maniacal bee wasn't so depressing anymore. It was exciting to watch it sit unmoving on the same precise spot for a span of 30 years, or some such big number. The spell was broken when the elephant had to go to pee, just for fun really, no necessity, maybe check if it still worked, and he was about to step right on the bee and then sigh, but the bee somehow managed to step aside, for it was painful to get hurt and not die. The elephant sighed anyway and went on. I saw him come back when the bee had already broken her previous sitting-still record.

Even through these hectic times, I did keep a check on the tap. It kept running. Everything is infinite here. Even the pages of the printer. It keeps spewing out something or the other, all the time. Even empty pages when it has nothing to say really.

Though my afterlife had many twists and turns, wars and victories, battles of the mind, and epic tales of love, passion and revenge, I still felt something was missing. Something important. Like the whole point of it, somehow. So I decided I would go talk to someone about this. God, I figured, would be the most appropriate choice to start with, apart from the fact that his misery always upped my spirits.

God, this time round, seemed actually to be enjoying himself in whatever he was busy with. Disappointed, I asked him what he was doing. He said, "Shhh". I thought about it for a while and decided he was just bullshitting me, so I asked him again. He replied,
"Fine. I'm thinking of salvation. Suicide, practically. And I am preparing the required apparatus."
  "Suicide?! But what will happen to all of life! All of living beings, animal life, humanity, printers, christians, all the people!!"
"They'll keep jumping in the frying pan for all I care. I doubt if anybody will even notice."
  "But how will you die? You can't die! Can you really kill yourself? You could, all this while?"
"No."
  "Phew. Thank God. My whole afterlife was just going to be rendered pointless."
"It is."
  "I know but, you know, you're worse right."
"Yeah."
  "So what are you planning then, there's no escape man. I've tried everything already, even boredom. It doesn't kill."
"Shhh."
  "Ok I'll ask again. So what are you planning then, there's no escape man. I've tried everything already, even boredom. It doesn't kill."

God didn't reply. He wasn't bullshitting. He just kept at it, some big levers and ropes it seemed.

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(Part 5/5) The Day I Got Frustrated With Death, The Universe And Everything