Blew Me Away

I fear won't come again
that moment when, damn,
your face was brighter
than the light of that lamp

Telling me grown up
stuff and poetry
And desires and love
and rosy, forlorn history

I haven't had
many moments like that
with strong women
and faces that match

And that tilt of head
when hair don't part
and eyes egging me on
to figure out my heart

I had to jump a level
to match that demand
of truth, of force, of poetry, and character
I erred long enough, and soon hit the bottom

of my psyche, of my true desires
and told you so and you agreed
I felt so pure and you were an angel
Satisfied felt I in thoughts and deed

You're a force
in your most basic form
A big lump
of packed storm

I won't forget
that lit up face
the flushed features
of your lit up face

I won't forget
that mass of hair
sliding down in black
against a lady fair

And i won't forget
that feeling of daze and sway
that lifted and flew me
and blew me away

Open Letter From SN: Laments of an IIT girl

I am from SN, the Hall. And I am here to help.

(Dramatic Pause)

So whats the deal, you say. I'll tell you the deal. The deal is that you are a douche. The deal is that you have no clue in all heavens about me, and you, yes you, are just way too many for anybody's good. And I will today, once and for all, break it down in easy and simple soul-friendly terms in the hope of getting the few of you with brains to atleast understand this... this thing we have between us.

I was a regular girl in school. Had always been, pretty much, though there were things you could say put me away from the other regular girls I knew. And I was happy, pretty much, you know. Life was easy and smooth. Like a nicely flowing river. And then I came to Kgp. (sound of crashing waves and islands sinking)

The first thing I noticed about you, in the first week itself, was that you were mostly a huddle. And that a huddle's voice is lower than the volume of a lone standing specimen. And that that's almost always because, atleast in first year, the huddle is only talking about me, the generalized SNite. In class, in Tikka, Nescafe, lab, even in Toat on SF nights. I mean what is your fixation with me, I'm just a regular girl!

You have eyes, o' boy have you eyes. All of you, collective, are like one big mass with all those innumerous eyes that are always looking, and communicating. And then one day I could see you looking from a distance. You were probably there for a long time, confused. You started walking towards me. I averted my eyes but kept looking angularly. You were approaching fast, but instead of looking at me you were walking as if on a fast-forwarded evening walk in a park, trying to look about casually on both sides and loosening up the walk. You had come close, I was ready to casually turn my head towards you with a casual smile on the face that would say nothing and yet be appropriately inviting. You were looking about more anxiously now, and I don't think you knew that I was watching. All ready for a warm casual conversation with a charming-looking you, I turned my head smoothly to you, you were exactly appropriately close, but still hurried and anxious, and as I noticed, at an angle to your previous direction and still walking. And you kept walking, looking down, as if casually, and walked past me. I was staring at your face and you probably didn't even know. I kept looking intently with wide eyes as you in your nervous hurry, turned an awkward corner somewhere and went away. And I thought, "Whatever man".

It was clear from day one, that even my batchmates were easily 2 or 3 years junior to me. I was more comfortable with your seniors, they talked easy, knew more, and didn't think talking to me casually was a big deal. Or atleast, didn't seem to show it. I was part of a few societies, and I went through the same ordeal a hundred times, of a batchmate trying to strike up a casual conversation. I really don't get why a person has to try to look casual, I mean we're all casual in real life really, aren't we? Apparently not. Real life takes a twisted bend in Kgp.

I loved my Hall. There were these few awesome people I knew and that was enough for me to love it. It was fun, mess table bhaat, secret huddled conversations in packed rooms on matters of no importance whatsoever, bad jokes, Patel bashing, generalising a few people to represent their halls, banda-bandi gossip, hushed slut hating, learning to swear, and the senior guys. The senior guys, the good rare few that is, but in existence very much. They were open, knew stuff, sometimes handsome, sometimes even actually talkable, and mostly bandi-less. Perfect people to casually talk to. And talk I did. The first summer vacations are a wonderful time if you're talking to someone over the phone, very casually only, ofcourse. I mean the actual girlfriend-boyfriend sort of stuff wasn't really for me, if you know what I mean. That's just gossip fun.

The second year started out hectic. I am not a sucker for grades but I, you know, like them in general if I can do something about it. So there was the department, the new people, the irritating batchmates, even weirder dep seniors and ofcourse the few people I was in touch with. OP was fun from this side, not much but whatever. And the gossip! I'll repeat, the gossip! She's going out with him, and he just proposed her, and they're definitely going to break up, though that's not all we talk about, by a long long shot. And then that stupid ridiculous part of the gossip spectrum that actually involved me. I heard of atleast 6 guys who were apparently my boyfriends, and I didn't even know 3 of them, I swear. Then there's the totally-uncalled-for closed room controversial stuff. Things happen, and you take them for what they are. Upsetting, but then... yeah so there are a few catches in Kgp. Fine, move on.

I knew this guy from earlier, I mean I'd seen him around but didn't, you know, really know him or anything. Really nice chap. I mean, really. And we were talking, casually, and I suddenly realised. I hadn't even thought of it you know! How could he, this extremely likeable, actually understanding, seriously decent looking guy, think of us that way! I mean I'm just a regular girl!

Those were happy times. I'm sure I stepped on a few hearts but come on, most of them deserved to be crushed anyway, and the few nice ones, its not like I'm some goddess of some sort, they'll find better ones I'm sure. So I said yes to him, the senior who didn't feel like a senior at all. Happy times. That's all I'll say about it. Happy times.

But it wasn't for long. There was stuff that just wasn't happy as I would have liked. And then ofcourse, Kgp is not the smoothly sailing ship on a mad stormy ocean. Its the ocean. And you're a fish. Things change. People change. But maybe its just that... that fourth year's a bitch.

So it didn't live for very long, whatever it was. I mean I tried, he did too. It just, shit its so cheesy I don't even want to say it, but it just wasn't meant to be. Yeah. And I was alone. You can hardly ever be alone in Kgp, and yet somehow, I was suddenly all alone, in the real sense of the word. So much time with just one person makes you pretty much a custom person. You don't fit the average size anymore. But I had friends. I knew people, I talked to interesting, promising guys. Life tried to fill up again. But nothing ever again will sweep me off my feet I guess. And whatever I do, they just don't gossip like that about me anymore. Sigh.

I noticed you again. You had grown. You were actually different, though I could still see the original nervous, awkward you on a closer look. And you still didn't have a girlfriend. But there was progress. You were more in your element now, as if you were perfecting your act of yourself. You were even talking to girls, casually too I might add. Juniors ofcourse, who would go through the same wave function as I did and so on forever.

I have gone through so much in these last few years that its hard to remember clearly the time before it. So much of life, excitement, and bubble, and then the anticlimax of an absolutely bored final year. Through it all, through all of the tikka and vegies, the chem top and the 2.2, the boredom and the sleep, through cal and shankarpur, and through the Netaji and Kalidas, I lived a full life. And at the end of it, after it was all over and I could look back and wonder, I basically learned just one thing.

That I'm just a regular girl, and you're a douche. I mean, do you even take a bath?

The Girl with a Secret

A little girl there was who knew a big secret. A secret made of gold and glint that she kept in the depths of her heart. It made her smile with a flush when no one was looking and her eyes sparkled with the pleasure it gave her.

Her waist was thin. Her feet small. She wasn't particulary breath-taking but no one could miss her too easily if she was in the same room. Her hair wasn't messy but just about careless. They described the whole person of her with a fair accuracy. Except for the secret, and the radiance that it brought to her face.

She could barely keep from laughing aloud when someone told her he's probably seen her before. And though she could hardly keep the giggle inside when someone asked what her name was, she still told them in as ordinary a manner as she could manage. She never let them know that she knew. She wanted the game to last.

There used to be a puppy in her house. It was just a little white ball of fur with huge glass eyes that she decided were only a shiny veil. She wasn't going to be fooled. At times she looked straight into his eyes and burst out laughing, controlling it fast and turning away to smile in secret. Lest he knows that she knew.

Nobody could really understand what it was that gave her this limitless stream of liquid happiness. What gave her that spring in every step and that jump she seemed to express with all her body, without actually making it. Whatever it was, it was plenty and it was joyful. Whereas actually, it was just a secret.

She had lived with it for too long to remember what gave her the idea. But she had somehow decided it was true. That for once she knew it right. She had decided that the world around her was a setup. That it was there to watch her grow. To see how she reacts. That it wasn't so many people in the world, it was just one outside it. That One person looking at her from all the eyes around her. And judging her. Whereas she had caught the trick. She knew it now and He didn't. He kept acting like different people from inside different faces trying to trick her into life, when all the while she knew. And smiled all inside her, never letting out, never leaving a hint. Or the game might end. Though she did sometimes just for the sheer fun of it, risk a sharp swift wink to the sky.